Looking back

107

Dear Friends,

It’s another beautiful God blessed Saturday afternoon. Although by shifting my view a tad bit, the clock is showing otherwise. It is actually 6.00 in the evening. Undoubtedly, Saturday is leaving me again as quickly as the morning began. No adventures for me today but thank Allah I didn’t spend the day at the office again.

In fact, I just came back from my uncle’s wedding (yeah, you read that right) near Balakong. My dad’s side of the family is huge and bearing the Johorean – Bugis – Javanese blood, these folks are just miles of Velcro’s; they always seemed to be there or anywhere at once and altogether in one big lump of people. Jovial and talkative, they are quite the look – one humongous walking, melting cauldron of personalities.

Anyway, I didn’t fire the olde Microsoft Live Writer to record my humble observations of mankind. Reaching home by 3.00 p.m. I surrendered to the fact it’s quite jolly late for myself to have a tour of KL particularly my favourite hang out – Jalan Masjid India. It is the end of the year and all manner of madness (sales and shopping a-galore) and unbecomingness (rude and reckless people pushing others whilst making their way) are rampant now. Oh, the 20th will be worse I expect as it’s payday for government people.

Instead I resigned to the humble abode slash fortress of solitude four flights of stairs above terra firma. And yes, my companion of sorts, the MSI Laptop churning helpfully yesterday’s melodies that as rightly put by Lonely Planet; ‘oozed nostalgia’ especially for yours truly. The music of my taste are very tame but of the rock kapak and Cranberries variants as well as a plethora of other musicians from the 70s – 90s era with a handful of the 2000s sounds.

I know it’s downright asking for trouble playing these music but I can’t think of anything else to wind down from the hectic months 2010 had offered. And yet the path ahead doesn’t look much of a hope than a battered road kill. One thing about life that doesn’t ceased to amaze me – one small thing usually will lead to another (either starting or stopping an event/action etc).

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Questions : Did it all ended or started here?

Just take my humble writings this evening – a mere act by my gatal tangan which suddenly turned on Winamp and clicked play the track Mr. Lonely by Akon left me drowning in a sea of nostalgia, gasping for reality. While discussing something with a senior at work the other day, we threaded on the subject of moving on. He said when one decides to move on, one should never look back soon after for fear of being clutched by guilt, regret and sadness. Of course, if it’s to seek some guidance from experience, it should offer some insights for the future.

That song by Akon is really heart wrenching for yours truly. I never liked divulging the inner works in the realm of the heart (okay lah, it’s called love) whether with friends, myself (aiyoh he talks to himself now!) and heaven forbid, on EPI. And before somebody suspects that the wedding I attended have something to do with these somber notes, apart from being amused looking at my dad’s extended family, it didn’t even arouse neither the subconscious nor the conscious sides of my thoughts that I am still free willy single at the over-ripen age of 32 (and 33 is just around the corner!).

Whither the thought also that I intend to carry on life as per status quo but the daily battles with my demons have yet yielded much to that other direction of life, or whatever that means. Anyway, like I said, with a simple stroke of a pen, words or music, certain events in your life, distant or present are sent rolling ahead or halted to a stop. Thanks to Akon, my thoughts are led to the days in UIA. That song is reminiscence of the post- hostel working days and of the nights spent in the office watching House MD in the wee hours after finishing up work.

Suffice to say that over time, colleagues can become good friends and with fate, probably then, more than friends. Being hopelessly clueless over things as complicated and more complex than additional mathematics, these emotionally intense (and hence perpetually tensed) relationships with the tender gender is usually not in my list of to-dos then and even now. Any attempt I would expect will amount to deciphering the chats of cats in Morse Code!

the_thinker_auguste_rodin1 The Thinker: Some points to ponder…

Before I delve too much for my good, suffice to say that, being a normal guy with bulging Adam’s apple, I did more or less, felt that tremour of that so relished (by all) hormonal-induced-and-illogical-but-yet-naturally-engineered-in-our-chromosome emotion (yes, I know there’s a shorter version of that term but I already said it before, sheesh!). Like cats to water and rugby player to ballet dancing, it was like SPM when you studied 9 topics out of 10 but in the exam, the tenth topic was asked! You go figure!

Yeah, you would flunked no doubt. Anyway, thanks to my bad temper it was all over by the time I realised what the whole thing is all about. Patching up a blunder woefully is another of my list of special disabilities. Instead of doing it right the second time, I chose to move on. Even time has yet to let out a clue now whether it was the right thing to do. I guess, the web surrounding these arcane arts of the heart is not that finite. It is usually longer, far fetching and convoluted. Simply put, these thoughts cannot be banished with a flick of a finger (or several flicks for that matter).

As the years passed me by, I finally got to know that she has not only moved on, but settled down much better. She’s much happy as she could ever be, so no lost there. Anyway, as soon as Akon’s song ended, these strange nostalgic flash backs soon abate and will again lay dormant in its uneasy slumber, ready for another awakening by music or friends that ‘oozes nostalgia’. And I guess, for me, looking back can be nerve racking or amusing at least.

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Untouched: The serenity in IIUM will probably never be marred

What may I gain from a mere click of a song is probably as debatable as what event in the future has began to take form or ceased by such act. All in all, EPI is brought back to life if not for a day with this musing and I would say it’s a job done well for today. Until EPI catches the next idling of my mind and hence we meet again, may Allah bless you all aplenty, amin!

2 responses to “Looking back

  1. Hey, you have a bulging Adam’s apple?
    (Work with me, I’m trying to lighten the mood here)🙂

    Everyone has someone that makes you feel that way.
    I do.

    Sorry if I misunderstood what you wrote.
    But dont be so negative on life. If you keep looking at it that way, all the wrong things in your life, you’ll never see the good side of it. Not to say we ignore all our shortcomings just grab life by its balls, squeeze it hard and milk it all its worth.

    (Oy, what am I on about? I sound dirty)
    :p
    Hahaha

    • Hehehe thanks dirty didi (eh silap!), I know it’s either Isk or u who’ll give the wise words. Ummm the Adam’s apple neither bulging but it’s not absent… important to note so ppl won’t thing I’m gay awwww….

      but i’m not all negative, u hv to remember these musings on a Saturday afternoon was poked and brought to life by an olde song. I’m prone to nostalgia, I’ll give u that. Negativity, well a bit sometimes depends on my mood. I could be the living embodiment of that word sometimes. Occasionally, I can be all ‘sunshiny’. Past life, past mistakes but still that of which are from a long time ago can never actually be erased.

      “layar berbelok-belok,
      sauh dibongkar di tempat tenang,
      yang tinggal hati tak elok,
      yang pergi hati tak senang.
      (Bagaikan Sakti – M.Nasir & Siti Nurhaliza)

      Dirty Didi… I like that!

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